Constant Struggle

Disclaimer: This post is deeply personal and kindof a downer. Pop a Prozac before going further!

I think I'm suffering from post-move depression. Maybe it's just the plain old kind? I have always struggled with depression, probably since I was 21 years old. I went through some really traumatic things that year, which I'm sure brought my predisposition to depression out. Since then its been a roller coaster ride. I have had it on and off since then. I know I had post-partum with my first pregnancy. Not so much with my second. But this past year, my depression has become more challenging. Last August, 2008, I thought I would take a break from my depression medication. I told myself I wasn't depressed anymore (I was feeling good) so why did I need to keep taking it? "I don't need that anymore. I'm fine." Bad idea. During the course of that month things progressively went downhill. I knew I needed to get back on my meds. It's pretty common from what I know, for people that are depressed to talk themselves out of needing to take medication. I don't know why. It's not rational thinking. So, I started taking them again. Because I definitely didn't like the way I was feeling off of them.

When I am depressed, I feel like I have a heavy, wet blanket weighing me down. I have no energy. No pep in my step. I feel tired and run down all the time. I'm cranky. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Nothing sounds fun. I really don't want to talk on the phone to my family and friends. Todd and the kids just sometimes bug. I just want to be left alone, No demands. So I don't have to fake feeling normal. That takes an enormous amount of energy. Energy, I just don't have some days. (Don't worry, my depression has never come with any thoughts of suicide-I'm not severe, just a little moderate, right now.) It's easier for me to just get thorough it alone, with no pressure or expectations. I know when I'm like this I can only disappoint those around me.

I do have to say, that I'm very grateful for my husband. He is supportive and loving. He listens and reassures. He validates. He tells me It's o.k.-to be right where I am, o.k. to feel the way I feel at a particular time. He is patient with me (and it takes alot of patience) and gives me space when I need it. He picks up the slack for me on my suckiest days. Most of all he loves me despite my depressive episodes and ugly imperfections. I don't know how or why. But I am eternally grateful to him.

My mom called a few weeks ago. I really didn't feel like talking-she calls me all the time. Sometimes daily. It's just too much. She proceeded to ask me if everything was O.K. I debated the answer in my head. I decided to just be honest with her. "No, Mom, I'm not alright." (Like she didn't already know that.) Her response, " Well, what's going on in your life?" Like something has to be terribly wrong to make me feel the way I do. Or like, for hell sake Cami, what do you possibly have to be depressed about...you just moved into a beautiful home, your kids are blissfully happy, they're both in school full time, you have all of this free time to do whatever you want...blah blah blah. I know, it sounds like I should be the picture of happiness. I'm just not. She doesn't get it. Or me. Or depression. Depression isn't a situational disease. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Not enough neurotransmitters connecting with the right amount of chemicals in the right way. Next, "Are you taking your medication?" Followed by, "Well do you think it's the right dose?" REALLY?!!? My depression shouldn't be new to her. I've suffered with it on and off for the last 20 years. Unfortunately, for me, she just doesn't get it. I was annoyed with her and came away not feeling the least bit validated. Why did I answer the phone??

Every day is different. I have good days, o.k. days, sucky days. Sometimes it's easy for me to get down on myself and sit on the pity pot asking, WHY? Why me? Why does this have to be my challenge in life. I just want to be normal. I don't want this struggle. (I'm not sure what I'd want in its place, but I know this is not the way life is meant to be lived.) I like to imagine what my life, my relationship with my husband, kids, friends, self would be like if I wasn't depressed. I like to think of all I could accomplish, things that other people take for granted, like my mom. Just getting through a normal day feeling...well...normal, even downright happy. I look forward to feeling that again on a more consistent basis.

I know I'm taking a risk sharing all of this. I don't care. It's part of me. The very ugly part. The part that takes up too much of my energy. I just need to let it go. Talk about it. Admit that I have a constant struggle in my life. That, unfortunately, is normal. We all have things that are ugly and things that challenge us. The test I guess, is how we deal with and become victorious over our struggles and challenges. It's about the journey. The good, the bad and the ugly.